45 Lessons I’ve Learned From Black Women

We weren’t supposed to make it past 25. Jokes aside—here I am at 45.

A birthday tradition in celebration of myself and the Black women of the ones who’ve taught me, raised me, stretched me, and saved me.

Last year, in celebration of turning 44, I began a tradition: writing down life lessons I’ve learned. This year, in celebration of my birthday week, I decided to make that exercise a tradition, but wanted to narrow the lens.

This year, I’m offering 45 lessons I’ve learned from Black women and femmes.

Why this matters now: I’m watching, with pain and clarity, how Black women’s leadership and voices are being delegitimized. Not that our wisdom has ever been properly honored in this still-unfulfilled nation, but right now the push to silence and undermine Black women feels especially concentrated and urgent.

As Feminista Jones has reminded us, psychological warfare against Black womenfolk has always been part of the project of oppression.

This year, I’ve reached a halfway point in this body, in this skin, and using this voice, I want to affirm: Black women do indeed teach. We have always taught. And now more than ever, people must hearken to our voices.

So here are 45 lessons I carry, learned from the Black women and femmes who raised me, stretched me, saved me, challenged me, and held me.

1. Sometimes the best way to navigate a hard conversation is to say “good day” and leave it. — My Mother

2. Love must be married to steadfastness! — My Mother

3. Always keep a plate available. You never know who might need feeding, fellowship, or both. — My maternal grandmother

4. You can make things grow even in the tightest of places. — My paternal grandmother

5. Sometimes you have to leave a place. And you may not feel like it was the perfect decision, but it is your decision that matters.— My paternal grandmother

6. Being Black and free is absolutely my birthright! — Tasha Hunter

7. Some seasons are disastrous on purpose. They push you out the door but hand you the friend you were meant to keep. — Dr. Shawna Gann

8. Always check the spam account! — Sherreta Harrison

9. Ida survived enslavement, became a journalist, and reported on racialized lynchings. Courage can sometimes mean “continue to show up.”

10. Nikki Giovanni taught me that Black love is wealth. Black folks throughout the African Diaspora are materially, spiritually, and cosmologically wealthy. We have the power to generate our own abundance.

11. The vagina is a self-cleaning oven. —My sister

12. It’s okay to give yourself permission to stop. Because I am human, not a machine. Rest is a boundary against extraction. —Myisha T. Hill

13. Being messy (in public) as a Black woman is also my right. I don’t have to be polished to be powerful. —Desireé B Stephens

14. Becoming multilingual is not a hobby for white kids on spring break! It’s a tool against our oppression and a bridge back to the world that remembers us. —Jamila Craig

15. “White ice isn’t colder!” —Janice Gassam Asare, Ph.D.

16. Toni Morrison taught me that when I tell my story, I need to resist the white gaze. Everyone needs to knock the invisible (figuratively speaking) old white man off their shoulders!

17. I learned that a cause is only truly righteous if it’s lifting more than just me. If the work ain’t serving the most vulnerable folks around me, then it’s not rooted in justice, it’s ego. — Callie House

18. If I’m not careful, the work I love can drain the life out of me.
    — Callie House

19. I’m allowed to no longer stay connected with anyone who refuses to handle me tenderly.- Natasha D. Wade

20. “Any points to be made. Don’t be scared to prove it.”Kash Kommandments song by Kash Doll

21. I learned that our ancestors aren’t just memories; their paths are sacred instructions.

    — Alexis Pauline Gumbs

22. I learned that the whole world shifts when a Black woman stands fully in her intellect.— Anna Julia Cooper

23. Sometimes the truth is the only tool you’ve got, but it’s always enough. — Fannie Lou Hamer

24. I get to repeat myself: Loud and often — L.C. Deshay

25. I learned that love is not a feeling; it’s a practice. — bell hooks

26. Black feminism is a framework. And it’s valid.— Barbara Smith

27. I am ALWAYS deserving of time with and for myself. — Retonia Brasher

28. The revolution is in how we love each other daily, not just how we fight. — Sueli Carneiro

29. Joy is also a strategy. — Erica Malunguinho

30. God is a Black Woman — Christena Cleveland

31. I am allowed to be ridiculously ME at all times! — Luna Malbroux

32. Black women need doulas!— Frankie Robertson

33. “anybody owe you bread, do not accept the crumbs” Kash Kommandments song by Kash Doll

34. Education is a liberation tool. And we deserve the best version of it. —Mary McLeod Bethune

35. My no is holy. —Nikki Blak

36. Refusing to bow is its own kind of political strategy. — Gloria Richardson

37. Our stories transform the world. — Kaitlin Joshua

38. Teaching is activism. And every lesson plants a seed. — Septima Clark

39. My dignity is nonnegotiable. — Dorothy Height

40. Africa is always a part of me, and I’m a part of it. — Olanike A. Mensah

41. I do not have to apologize for making demands. — Anita Baker

42. Demand reparations! — Queen Mother Audley Moore

43. Lead with curiosity and reserve the time you spend explaining yourself. —Maxine Crump

44. I get to not be the furniture! I get to be sentient! — Alicia Crosby

45. Black people get to tell our own stories. In our own language, on our own terms, and with our own authority. —Zora Neale Hurston

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